Anybody who knows me, knows that I’m a movie fanatic. They also know that I rarely have fantastic taste in movies. For every good one that I love (and there’s a few gems in my list, such as the eternally awesome Se7en and Fight Club), and, more rarely, the good ones I pick out, there is a dismal list of utter failures that Jeff tends to lord over me from time to time.
My criteria for movies tend to be a little skewed. Is it based on a comic book or video game franchise? Then yes, I want to see it – even if I KNOW it will suck monkey balls (CHUN LI I’M LOOKING AT YOU). Does it feature a lot of really cool scenes of shit blowing up in slow motion? Is it a sequel of a movie I really loved? Is it based on the works of a skewed, underappreciated, or generally warped author? Is it generally just really really pretty with some wicked CGI? Count me in on all of the above.
However, what REALLY gets me is trailers. I’m a trailer maniac. I LOVE TRAILERS. Half the time I want to go to new releases in theatres because I just want to see trailers for new shows. I OBSESS OVER THEM. And, if a trailer features really really good music (bonus points if it’s a band I love), then chances are I’m going to obsess even more.
Take 2007′s “Invasion”, starring Nicole Kidman and “nom nom Daniel Craig”. I had zero interest in seeing the body-snatchers remake until I saw the extended trailer featuring “Untitled 8″ from the Sigur Ros ( ) album. Also in 2007, “30 Days of Night” featured the incredible song “Apocalypse Please” by my beloved Muse. Recently, trailers for “The Adjustment Bureau”, starring Matt Damon, featured the absolutely amazing “Adagio in D Minor” by John Murphy, a song that was written for the stunning sci-fi thriller “Sunshine” and was also featured in the best scene of “Kickass”.
So yes, music sells me. BIG TIME.
The reason I touch on this is that, last night, I discovered the trailer for “Legend of the Guardians”, a CGI movie based on the young adult fantasy series, “Owls of Ga’Hoole”. Not only was it a terrific book series, it looks like the animation alone will make it an incredible movie. AND, the trailer features “Kings and Queens” by 30 Seconds to Mars.
Which, of course, got me into the “OMG LET’S LOOK FOR MORE TRAILERS ON YOUTUBE” mode, which resulted in me being up way too late and contributed to being late for work this morning (shout out to Jess, my assistant manager, who tolerates my oddness and geek-screaming. hi Jess!).
So what else did I find?
I’d not even heard a BREATH about this movie. It looks like 300 meets King Arthur and a bit of Robin Hood. It’s bloody. I like bloody. It came out in April of 2010, so chances are I might even be able to find it. Why should geeks care about this movie? Well, the main character is played by Michael Fassbender, who is no stranger to geek fandom – he played Stelios in “300″, had a bit of a part in “Inglourious Basterds”, and is playing Magneto in the upcoming “X-Men: First Class”. Also, Director Neil Marshall is the awesome writer / director who brought us “Doomsday”, which I argue is one of the best movies EVAR. Eden Sinclair MROW.
Go from that, to this:
Let’s begin by saying that I love Bruce Willis. I LOVE HIM. I also love Morgan Freeman, and I love John Malkovich in the “yeah, I still love my crazy, weird Uncle” sort of way. So needless to say, this movie will be fucking awesome.
Did anybody actually ever see this movie? It’s like VanHelsing… but with a mercenary turned puritan instead.
Yes, I know it’s probably terrible. But it has glowy demon things and sword and gunfighting. And I think I may have to watch it for that.
Oh yes, and let’s not forget our favorite model turned actress turned official zombie-killing mascot…
Okay. So “Resident Evil” screams into theatres in 2002 (god, was it really that long ago?) and it was AWESOME. Seriously, who didn’t love the scene with Alice going Chuck Norris on the turned Dobermans? Yes. YES. Then, “Resident Evil: Apocalypse” came out in 2004 and it was good. I mean, not overwhelming, but it was good. “Resident Evil: Extinction” ventured out in 2007 and felt… painful. I mean, I LIKED it, but I didn’t LOVE it by any means, and mostly it made me sad.
Now Alice is fucking BACK BABY. She is BACK and she is HOT and she is KILLING STUFF. And it totally makes up for the fact that Ali Larter is in it because even though she drove me nuts in “Heroes”, Milla is AWESOME ENOUGH TO CANCEL THAT OUT. And “Resident Evil: Afterlife” will kick our faces in on September 10, 2010. CAN’T. WAIT.
But, really, the one trailer that has me drooling on my keyboard is none other than:
JESUS. And by that I mean Zack Snyder. Is there anything this man can’t do? He brings us “Dawn of the Dead” and we love him. He brings us “300″ and we adore him. He brings us “Watchmen” and we lay our first borns down at his feet. And don’t forget they also just announced “Xerxes”, too, as well as “Army of the Dead”. And now, he brings us “Sucker Punch”, and I’m about ready to… I don’t know. Do something seriously creepy stalker-ish to him, because I’m that fucking revved about this movie.
What’s seriously awesome about Sucker Punch is it doesn’t even TRY for reality, because it doesn’t HAVE to. It is every shade of awesome, from dragons to samurais to strippers to chain guns, all in the surreal mind of a girl committed to a mental institution. It’s a modern, warped, black-fantasy fairy tale and I’m literally drooling about every goddamn aspect of it.
Sucker Punch will kick theatres in the nuts March 25, 2011, and you can be sure I’ll be camped out for my tickets on opening night.
Aaaaaaand… that’s it for me for now. I was tempted to throw in my take on “The Human Centipede”, but while I was kind of morbidly interested in the movie, I watched the trailer and now have ZERO interest in actually seeing this sick son of a bitch.
Oh, and in before “OMG U LEFT OUT SAW 3D”, because goddammit, yes, I’m going to see the movie, and that’s only because 5 and 6 killed everything left of that franchise and I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO DR. GORDON. Just tell me already so my poor beloved franchise can die in peace (though Chester Bennington is in this one so I guess the fangirl in me can squee a little)…
Oh, and this.
I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. But chances are I’ll end up watching it. Don’t ask me why. It may have something to do with Jessica Alba. Or motorcycles with machine guns. Or something. I dunno. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Until next time, geeks!