Relentlessly Terribad

The Details

Relentless (Dominion Trilogy #1) by Robin Parrish.

Modern day fantasy-esque.  Guns and swords and bodysnatching and psycho-powers.  X-Men meets… something bad.

The Plot

Our protagonist, Grant, finds out that he’s somehow been body-swapped and has gained strange telekinetic powers and a ring that won’t come off his finger.  He’s eventually introduced to a mysterious girl that follows him everywhere, an assassin hired to kill him, a scientist out to discern the meaning of the universe (or something), a corrupt cop, and a whole lotta people just like him.  Oh yeah, and some government / scientific experimentation / religious cult-ish stuff.

The Opinion (Contains Spoilers!)

First thing’s first – this is a free download from the Kindle store, and I wholeheartedly believe there is a reason for this.

It’s difficult to dig down and find the words to describe my true feelings for this book, so let’s break it down in simple terms.

The Good – Contrary to how I summed it up, this novel actually has a surprisingly good storyline.  The plot intrigued me, and I was genuinely interested in finding out how it ended, which is what kept me page-turning until I finished it this evening.

The Bad – The characters are ATROCIOUS.  Stereotypes abound, from the sultry southern belle (and those exact words are used to describe her) to the nerdy scientist with his assistant to the conflicted and tormented orphaned protagonist.  The pacing either staggers, falls on its face, or literally LEAPS from thought to thought, making the entire book feel disjointed, poorly pieced together, and generally irritating to follow.

The Ugly – While Parrish is a fabulous at designing stories (honestly, it takes some measure of thought to come up with a plot like this), he is TERRIBLE at telling them. 

What Relentless primarily suffers from is a complete lack of development.  The plot plods along in an entirely predictable manner, skipping joyfully from one detached section to the next, not seeming to care if the reader is coming along for the ride or not.

The characters are horribly vague and utterly forgettable.  Grant Borrows, our protagonist, is so frustratingly static and utterly dense that he is more aggravating than anything, his sole development being the steady growth (to near-godlike status) of his paranormal abilities.  Everyone else in the book is quiet uninteresting, and failed attempts at relationships – either between nerdy scientist and doting assistant, or Grant and one of his superhero buddies – comes across so forced as to be utterly unbelievable.

I wanted to enjoy this book.  I truly, truly did.  Painful presentation aside, I plowed through to the very last page, hoping for some sort of redemption or, if nothing else, an appropriate tying up of the loose ends.

Instead, the book took an abrupt “end of the world” cataclysmic approach, beginning as abruptly as it ends, with no clear understanding why (yes, there’s an explanation, it’s ludicrous).  Nothing is explain in enough detail to truly draw the reader in – I sat there, reading of the end of the world descending on Los Angeles, and the entire description literally lasted less than two pages. 

THE END OF THE WORLD.  NOT WORTHY OF MORE THAN A FEW PARAGRAPHS.

I accepted the horribly X-Men approach to the “heroes” of the novel (they all live in an abandoned facility, somehow unnoticed by the rest of the world, led by a doting pacifist that helps them all lead peaceful lives where they can SURELY benefit mankind).  I accepted the horribly Star Wars approach to our “supposedly” orphaned protagonist (OMG IT WAS HIS [GRAND]FATHER!).  I even accepted the horribly old-school hyperdramatic fantasy, including, but not limited to, ridiculous names and titles (the Keeper, the Bringer, the Thresher, the Seal of Dominion, oh god it went on and on).  Even the cheesy dialogue couldn’t do me in.

But disguising inconsistencies and black holes in the plot line as events fabricated to “test” our protagonist so that you don’t have to continue on the current path of the storyline is BAD WRITING.  OBVIOUSLY bad writing.  PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.  Throwing random characters in for the sake of explaining something quickly is BAD WRITING.  Magically inserting deux ex machina-esque events and items that somehow inexplicably tie everything together is BAD WRITING.

And please, the whole “omg they died before I could tell them how I felt about them” is SO OVERDONE.  There are three strings of romance in the book, and all of them are cheesy, horribly camped out, and ridiculously stereotypical.  The lost lover, left for dead, that returns a changed man, his heart full of hatred.  The young assistant who pines after the man she works for, even though she knows his past is cloaked in shadows.  The star cross’d lovers, destined to doom from the very beginning, playing the ridiculously coy game until one of them DIES and somehow FUELS the ENTIRE END OF THE BOOK (oh yeah, didn’t see that coming).

I’m sorry, The Matrix called.  They want their emo-rific Neo / Trinity death scene back (at least this one was over faster).

The Verdict

Don’t waste your time.  While the overall storyline has huge potential, it’s wasted on a lack of coherent storytelling.  I have the feeling this would have functioned beautifully as a graphic novel, something nice and dramatic and over the top.  But as a novel, it’s just relentlessly bad.

OMG u see wut i did thar?

For some, it is a necessary part of life.  The solo artist, travelling the realm of Azeroth on their lonesome, understands the true value of keeping extra mobs at bay.  The adventurous soul who solos instances knows that one or two less in a pack of mobs means more health at the end of the pull.  The PVPer knows that when a healer can’t heal, the DPS go down quickly.

For others, sadly, it’s a blast from the past. 

Wrath of the Lich King taught many up-and-coming raiders that crowd control is little more than an extra button on your toolbar, one that could just as easily be replaced with an AoE ability.  And, really, that’s what most of them did.  Volley replaced Freezing Trap.  Fan of Knives replaced Sap.  The abilities that we were once an inherent part of our classes, our instancing, our very raiding environments, were pushed aside when AoE became the weapon of choice.

After all, why bother with all the coordination of trapping and sapping and polymorphing when you can just gather all the mobs together, throw a handful of heals on the tank, and spam-AoE to victory?  After all, AoE is super powerful!  It does tons of damage!  It’s not horribly outbalanced, no, why on earth would Blizzard even dream of nerfing such a thing, you must be a total noob if you think AoE will ever get nerfed!!!!!11!!1!one!

Wait, what’s that?

AoE got nerfed?

Well.  Damn.

And not only did AoE get nerfed, but other important mechanics were changed for the introduction of the “new and improved” instancing environment.  Nothing serious, you know.  Just, oh, mana regen. 

I watched a healer try to spam-heal through an “AoE” pull in Stonecore not too long ago.  The Earthshaper, left uncontrolled and not interrupted, started spamming it’s own AoE, and within seconds our healer was OOM.  It was a combination of many things that led to that wipe – the general Wrath mentality of “AOE TILL IT DIES BITCHES”, the melee Wrath mentality of “STAND IN THE MOBS BEACUSE THE HEALER WILL HEAL ME”, and the ranged Wrath mentality of “DOESN’T MATTER IF I PULL AGGRO WHILE I AOE CUZ I CAN KILL IT BEFORE IT GETS TO ME!”

Um.  No.

This huge, necessary shift in our manner of thinking has brought back valuable lessons from old school raiding, and not all players are adjusting gracefully.  That’s not to say that only the old school raiders know anything about crowd control, because I can assure you, I did a double-take when a PuG tank asked me to trap a mob in Vortex Pinnacle last weekend.  (Wait, wut?)  But there’s something strangely depressing about having to hold up a group while the Mage pulls their Polymorph out of their spellbook because, “LAWL I NEVER PVP I DON’T USE TIHS.”

There is hope, though.  During our morning WoW discussions on the way to work, Jeff mentioned that while herbing in Uldum, he’d seen a Human Death Knight kite-kill a quest elite.  It involved dropping Death and Decay, throwing diseases on the target, and then using their slowing ability to bait the mob around in a circle through the D&D while it slowly died.  The DK even used terrain to their advantage by running up to a small nearby platform and then jumping off, forcing the mob to take the long way back around to come after him.  And while it took a long time, it worked, and the DK took practically no damage through the whole fight.  Jeff went on his way, and when he came around again, he saw a Shadow Priest kite-killing the same mob.  Again, took forever, but he did it, with little damage.

Last night, in Grim Batol, I watched a Rogue effectively control three targets – a Sap on a marked mob, Kicks on the main target, and a Blind on the errant spellcaster who was just outside the tank’s range and merrily throwing shadowbolts at our healer.

Class and raid leaders – as your guilds gear themselves through heroics, professions, and reputation, I have just one request.  Yes, DPS is important, yes, situational awareness is important, but I implore you, do not overlook this vital skill in your guildmates.  The Rogue who must effectively control three targets is not necessarily going to be highest in DPS that pull.  The Mage or Hunter or Shaman kiting things away from the healer may take a little more damage than anticipated.  The Death Knight that switches presences on the fly to off-tank and kite a hard-hitting mob in the interest of easing the necessary healing on the tank will not be your top performer.  But without them, that pull is unsuccessful. 

I’m not being obtuse.  I’ve seen some incredibly negative responses to party members who have sacrificed their damage in the interest of protecting the party.  Tanks who are butthurt at the insinuation that they can’t hold a group of mobs, healers that are insulted at the possibility they may not be able to heal through it, DPS who are pissed they can’t AoE because of the giant frost trap.

And on a less polite note… to the rest of you, the instancers, the PuG’ers, the random players – LEARN YOUR DAMN CLASSES!  THOSE BUTTONS WERE PUT THERE FOR A REASON, LEARN HOW TO USE THEM!  *glares*  I’m talking to you, Rogues that don’t know how to Sap, Hunters that don’t have the first clue how to trap, and especially you, Mr. Mage that Doesn’t Use Polymorph because “I Don’t PVP LAWL”!

Or, you know, you could just sit back, and watch what happens when the Plaguebringers in Tol’vir go nuts on your party.  Or let the Earthshapers in Stonecore switch forms and AoE the tank and melee, or the Rift Conjurers summon to their heart’s content until your healer is swimming in imps a la Illhoof.  Or leave any number of mobs in Grim Batol to do their preprogrammed nastiness while you’re trying to fight in cramped spaces.  Because until we learn these places like the back of our hands, until we can run them in our sleep like with Wrath, and until we’re geared enough that CC once again becomes a thing of the past…

AoE ain’t saving your asses. 

(and if I hear one more “OMFG WUT R U TALKIN ABOUT WE’VE ALWAYS HAD TRAP LAUNCHER” I’m going to fucking murder someone)

Saelym out.

Um.

Yeah.

I’ve been away for a while.

It’s not for lack of trying.  I probably had a good 15 draft posts done up.  Just, none of them were any good, and when you’re posting to an actual blog (rather than the random babbling of a personal journal) you kinda feel like maybe you should actually put up something of substance.  *laughs*

That, and it’s been a busy busy time for me.  Promotion, school, and… well that’s about it, I’ve been working myself to death.

THAT SAID.

Life has somewhat calmed down now, and I’m COMING BACK.  So… be afraid?  Well, okay, no, not afraid.  But be warned.  *winks*

To the geeks, however, today is a special day.  Because today is World of Warcraft’s 6th Anniversary.

Today is also the end of the world.

Yes, Patch 4.0.3a goes live today, and that little “a” at the end means that the Shattering has occurred.  We bunked down in the various inns and taverns of Azeroth and Outland last night, content in our belief that we’d fended off yet another elemental invasion, that we’d done our part to secure the safety of our homeland, that the world was protected for one more day.

Oh, we were so wrong.

Today Deathwing has taken to the skies of Azeroth, sundering our beloved world in ways that we cannot even begin to fathom.  Today the tsunamis have drowned Thousand Needles, earthquakes have rocked Darkshore, and mighty caverns have split the Barrens clean down the middle.

Today we log in, and the world as we know it has changed forever.

It’s been an incredible haul the last six years.  Blizzard has given us an experience like no other – a magnificant magic carpet ride through lore and sunderings, through Dark Portals and frozen wastes, and today, another chapter is added in the saga that has gripped the enthralled millions across the globe.

So here’s to you, Blizzard.  Another year, another expansion, another invasion.  Another tier of content, another tier of gear, another notch in your belt.  Thank you for giving us what is arguably the best video game to ever smash through our screens, an experience that has shaped friendships and rivalries across the world, a profound love of babbling fish people, and a true understanding of the might of Chuck Norris.

CAUTION:  It’s probably asstastic in a big way.  I’m not editing, nor am I giving a flying shit about grammar, punctuation, or spelling  – especially since yWriter, my program of choice at the moment, doesn’t have a spellcheck.

Azazel (formerly Alex) is one of my protagonists, a somewhat mind-fucked Turned hybrid, a human that was kidnapped and subjected to experimentation designed to create bioweapons – in this case, he is part human, part wolf, and recovering from a rather nasty asskicking that nearly killed him.  Kyara is a side character, a 200 year old neo-elf.  And before you ask, it’s not technically a fantasy – it’s set in the future, and is sort of half-fantasy, half-sci-fi.

***************************

He woke with a start, the roar of the Gryphon ringing in his ears, his hands clutching blindly at the blankets wrapped around him before his sight and hearing cleared. It took only one glance at the blue blankets, walls, furniture, carpets, before he sighed heavily and collapsed back onto the pillows, closing his eyes. Reaching up, he pressed his fingers against the bruised and tender skin of his chest, rubbing the smooth, twisted scar.

“Not a dream,” he murmured, and opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling, the sunlight that reflected off the blue crystals of the gaudy light fixture. When he turned to look out the window, he saw a fresh change of clothes on the bench with a folded piece of paper on top, and leaned over the edge of the bed to retrieve it.

Trashed your clothes, it read in tiny, tight cursive. Got you new ones. Sorry. ~ J

He smirked at this as he slowly dressed, wincing occasionally at the tug and pull of his stiff muscles. Only Jaedyn, he thought, would cut you out of your bloody clothes and strip you naked in the middle of the night to save you from the brink of death, then think to go buy you a replacement outfit for the next morning. He didn’t know which was worse, the fact she’d done this twice now, or – he felt a touch of heat rise in his cheeks – the fact she’d remembered he had a preference for boxers.

Tristan and Isolde were standing guard outside his door when he opened it, and the hounds immediately dissolved into happy whimpers and whipping tails when he knelt in the hallway. Smiling despite himself, he wrapped his arms around their necks and embraced the dogs, and they responded by tucking their heads on either shoulder and sighing in contentment.

“Missed me?” he asked, his question answered by their long tails thumping against the floor. Down the hall a door opened and Kyara emerged, stretching her long arms over her head before turning and catching sight of him. Giggling, she leaned against the wall and crossed her arms.

“So it’s true,” she commented. “There are living things you can get along with.” Azazel smirked, grabbing Tristan playfully by the muzzle and giving him a commanding stare when the hound wouldn’t stop licking his cheek.

“I don’t get along with people,” he corrected, pulling Isolde into his lap and rubbing her belly. The dog growled with glee and play-gnawed on his wrist. “Animals I have no problem with.” He let Tristan push him over onto the floor, where the hound stood over him and stared him in the face before licking his chin. He laughed and scritched Tristan’s ears. “Animals don’t have any malice,” he added.

“You can’t say that,” Kyara said. “Look at hybrids. Kill for sport, maim and mutilate their victims, hunt for fun and adrenaline -”

“That’s our human side,” he interrupted. “Hup!” he commanded the dogs, and they immediately stepped back and sat on the floor, waiting patiently. It took him a moment to gain his feet – Kyara watched with a concerned expression that only deepened when he braced his hand against the doorframe and closed his eyes, waiting for a bout of dizziness to pass.

“Should you be out of bed?” she questioned.

“Probably not.” He forced what he hoped was a reassuring smile at her. “Just need something to drink.”

“I’ll walk with you,” she told him, though the look on her face suggested it was more to make sure he didn’t pass out on the stairs than for the pleasure of his company. He snapped his fingers as he pushed himself off the wall, and the dogs were immediately at his heels, following along. Kyara glanced down at them and smiled.

“You really believe that?” she asked.

“What?”

“The human side thing.”

“Why would I not?” He glanced sidelong at her, wondering if she was trying to pick a fight, but when he saw she was genuinely curious, he just shrugged. “You should know better than anybody what humans are capable of.”

“I know just as well what hybrids are capable of. You can’t convince me that’s entirely human work.”

“If that were the case, every species would have gone extinct long before we even showed up,” he argued. He reached up and pinched the tip of his ear and shook it. “These? Augmentations. Upgrades.” They reached the stairs and he paused for a moment, shaking his head against another spiralling dizzy spell. “They didn’t make hybrids to make better killers, they made hybrids to give killers better tools.”

“So you’re saying all humans are killers?” She rolled her eyes. “Bit of a weak argument.”

“No, I’m not.” He tapped the side of her head. “Don’t generalize. Your argument is that the animal side of a hybrid makes them a killer. I’m saying that that given the right tools, and the right training, a basic predisposition for violence is enhanced by the ability to better carry out that violence.”

She paused at the base of the stairs and stared at him, either impressed or annoyed, he couldn’t tell.

“Obviously you’ve put a lot of thought into this,” she told him.

“No,” he replied. “Read a lot of books.” He reached over and pulled one of her knives from her belt, holding up one hand to stop her when she moved to take it away from him. “Years ago, they conducted a survey with elementary school students. Kids that were nine or ten years old. They asked them, if you had superpowers, what would you do with them?” He thumbed the hidden release on the blade, and it shot out of the hilt, glimmering in the sunlight that streamed through the vaulted windows above them. “Some of them said they would save the world. Most of them said they would beat people up or lock their parents in a closet so they could play video games past bedtime.”

“But they’re just kids.”

“They’re still human. Tristan,” he said, turning his attention to the dog, which was more than happy to receive it. “Dead.” Tristan immediately dropped to the floor and rolled onto his back, baring his thinly-furred stomach. “Humans and animals share basic physical desires,” Azazel told her, standing over the dog so that he braced both feet on either side of the hound’s ribcage. Tristan wiggled happily. “The need to eat, to find shelter from the elements, to procreate.” He eyed the blade, ran his thumb delicately along the edge, and examined the line of blood that spread from the razor-thin cut. “When emotions become involved, there are still similarities. Happiness, affection, sadness, mourning, one can argue that animals can feel these just as well as humans, sometimes better.” Pinching the heavy switchblade between his thumb and forefinger, he held it, blade down, over Tristan’s exposed stomach.

“What are you -” Kyara began.

“I’ve only met this dog once,” he told her. “For only a few minutes. Look at him.” He turned his head and looked over at her – she was standing with her hands clapped over her mouth. “You see that trust?”

“Az, please, don’t -”

He looked down at the dog, wiggling merrily between his feet, licking the air, long tail thumping against the tiled entranceway. Rolling his fingers, he tightened his grip on the switchblade and thumbed the catch, slipping the blade back to its hiding place.

“Perfect, unwavering trust,” he told her as he crouched, rubbing Tristan’s belly and eliciting a grunt from the dog. “You don’t find that in people. Not even children.” He reached out and passed her back the blade, which she took with trembling fingers. “But hate? Not territorial bitching, not squabbling over scraps, but the kind of hate you’ve watched for the last two centuries? You only get that in humans.”

But guys, I’m struck by the responses, right?  The power of words.  What I hear, as you respond, I hear passion, I hear energy, I hear identity.  And that’s pretty crazy.

So, I have a fifth word for you guys today, and this may take kind of a detour from the usual Blizzcon type thing.  Gonna go to a very strange space.  I have a word that I want to share with you, and this word can be fairly contentious.  It is a word used in many different parts of speech – colorfully, often.  This dirty little four letter thing, my friends, can make many very uncomfortable.  In some spaces it can be crushing, in others it can be energizing, but as a community of gamers, as a legion of fans, I feel it’s important that we can talk about any topic or term in a mature and adult fashion.

(crowd laughs)

So this word, my friends – as I get out my robo-clicker, boy, I hope this works – are you ready for this word, Blizzcon? 

(cheers)

Are you with me, Blizzcon?

(louder cheers)

The word is this…

(GEEK in huge letters on screen, deafening cheer from crowd)

The power of words!  This word, guys, this word is power, this word is identity!  This is OUR word!

I thought it’d be fun to change it up this year and maybe walk through a few illustrations of what this word means to many of us.  In particular, a few illustrations of what it specifically means to me, and boy, will I be showing my age by rolling some of these slides out.

And guys, periodically, I’m gonna say two words.  I’m gonna say GEEK IS, I’m gonna raise my little robo-clicker, and as I do I want you to repeat with me.  GEEK IS.  Let’s practice.

(crowd yells GEEK IS)

Blizzcon, GEEK IS…

(Transfomers slide, crowd cheers)

Geek is growing up playing with toys so complicated it proved forever that we are, in fact, smarter than our parents.

GEEK IS…

(D20 slide, crowd goes nuts)

Critting on a natural 20.  My friends, I suggest to you, if you haven’t done this with a Vorpal Blade, you haven’t really lived.

GEEK IS…

(Conan slide, super loud cheer)

Crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and hearing the lamentations of their women!  For some of you younger geeks in the audience, that is, in fact, our Govenor.

GEEK IS…

(Captain America slide, lots of cheering)

This guy!  This guy’s shield pinging off Nazi helmets!  Get em, Cap.  The man…

GEEK IS…

(Samurai Showdown slide, cheering)

Leading off with Halmaru’s super-heavy attack in the opening rounds of Samurai Showdown 2.  The greatest fighting game ever made.  Get off me, Street Fighter.

GEEK IS…

(Thundercats slide, crowd goes wild)

Geek is yelling “HO!” really loud before you punk down the bad guys.  (crowd starts yelling “HOOOOOO!”)  How intimidating is that?

GEEK IS…

(Luke Skywalker slide, crowd goes wild)

This guy.  Geek is this guy turning off his targeting computer because he’s FEELIN IT!

GEEK IS…

(Dragons, crowd seemed confused / didn’t recognize this one)

Imagining you can ride dragons and joust across the sky.

GEEK IS…

(Action figures slide, crowd cheers)

Action figures with the kung-fu grip!  Screw your iPod, that’s the greatest technology in the world!

GEEK IS…

(Silhouette of Batman against lightning, crowd cheers)

Geek is Frank Miller reminding us all just how terrifying Batman can really be.  (more cheering at this)

GEEK IS…

(The Matrix slide, loud cheering)

Geek is remember that there is, in fact… (audience finishes)  NO SPOON!

GEEK IS…

(WTF why can’t I remember what anime this one was!)

Considering that it wasn’t just Top Gun that made us want to be fighter pilots as little kids.  Talk to me, Goose.

GEEK IS…

(Spiderman movie slide, crowd cheers)

Learning that with great power, comes great responsibility.  (laughs) Toby…

GEEK IS…

(Doom slide, crowd goes wild)

Geek is actually being terrified during late night Doom 2 sessions.  Remember those scrolling texture map walls with all the faces?  (shudders)

GEEK IS…

(Aliens slide, crowd goes wild)

Geek is giving props to the undisputed baddest chick in the universe.  (lots of cheering)

GEEK IS…

(Thor slide, was it just me or did I hear some groans / laughing?)

Geek is this guy dispensing indiscriminate justice with his magic banner.  That’s why Thrall got one.

GEEK IS…

(Battlestar Galactica slide, crowd goes wild)

Man, we almost didn’t deserve how good that show was.  Geek is learning that home really is where the heart is.  Especially considering your planet just got nuked to kingdom come, so your options on home are really limited.

GEEK IS…

(EverQuest slide, lots of cheering)

Geek is exploring the vast and wondrous lands of EverQuest for the first time with your friends.  And guys, consider, none of us, and none of this, would be here without EverQuest.  Respect must be paid.  (cheering)  I miss Halass…

GEEK IS…

(300 slide, crowd goes wild)

Geek is holding the line against impossible odds.

GEEK IS…

(Night Elf slide, cheering)

Watching the graceful Na’avi running and hunting – (crowd starts laughing) – across the twilight fields of Pandora, yadda, yadda, yadda… (more laughing, cuts to slide from Avatar)  Pardon me, couldn’t resist.

GEEK IS…

(Locutus of Borg, crowd goes wild)

Guys, geek is knowing that resistance is NEVER futile!  Not for heroes anyway.

GEEK IS…

(AD&D DM screen slide, crowd kinda cheers but sounds confused)

For those of you who do not recognize the image, it’s the original DM screen from AD&D back in the day.  (crowd cheers)  MEGA.  Guys, geek is sitting around a table with your best friends, armed only with graph paper and some funny dice.  (more cheering)  And imagining far flung worlds of your own.  (more cheering)  My favorite slide…

GEEK IS…

(The One Ring, crowd goes wild)

Geek is the near-perfect cinematic realization of the story that started it all.  Mr. Jackson, wherever you are today, we thank you.

GEEK IS…

(Star Wars logo, crowd goes wild)

I’m gonna break this down.  Guys, geek is watching your kids look at Star Wars for the first time… I’m chokin up… and wondering if it will transform their little imaginations like it did yours.  (lots of cheering)  Star Wars, y’all.

GEEK IS…

(Superman, crowd goes wild)

Geek is believing that the reason we love these characters, these worlds, these products, and a thousand more like them, is because there is a hero inside every one of us, waiting to come forward.  Hammy as it sounds, my friends, I believe that with everything I’ve got.  And I hope, by some extension, you feel that in our games.

How is this possible? Lethality wondered.  How can a noob be better than me?  I MUST BE UNDERPOWERED!

He haunted Warrior forums, downloaded every stat addon he could find.  Recount became his new best friend.  He obsessed over DPS, over latency, over swing timers.  But still, he could never beat Fallapart.  The Rogue became his “unicorn” - destroying them in a 1v1 became a near-unobtainable quest for him…

Until he gave up and said “WARRIORS ARE BROKED” and stopped playing.  Eventually, he transferred his Orc Warrior, Blades, to the same server and played him instead.  Fallapart’s owner eventually dropped her for a Death Knight named Eternalash, and soon, the problem became not that Lethality couldn’t beat Fallapart, but that Blades couldn’t beat Eternalash.

The cycle continues.  To my ex-guildie, D, his Warriors will always be broken, Rogues and Death Knights will always be overpowered, and Blizzard should just fix their damn class imbalances. 

Funny how that works.

This post isn’t without reason, actually.  As much as I love to rag on D and the fact that he could never beat Jeff in a duel, D’s attitude actually stands as a shining example of what’s happening on servers all over WoW right now.  Why?  Because a few days ago, Patch 4.0.1 came rolling off the test realm like a freight train out of hell, dumping 4.7 GB of sucker-punching, nut-kicking goodness on devoted WoW players across the land.  And the first thing out of their mouths?

WTF DID YOU DO TO MY CLASS?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as in shock at the changes as anybody else.  Well, okay, maybe not as much, because I’m taking more time out of my day to make fun of it rather than actually complain about it.  But in my quick login to peek at my 72 Shaman, I did an astounding double-take.  If I bothered to reactivate my main account and look at my Hunter and Druid, I would most likely faint.

I’m what most people would call a near 6-year veteran noob.  I’m not a theorycrafter, forumstalker, elite raider, gladiatorial PVPer, or anything kind of in between.  I’m just a casual gamer who has a love for lore, for RP, for questing, for alt-itis, for instancing, and for the aesthetics of the pretty, pretty game I’ve come to love.  So if you’re expecting me to spaz out over the fact that Hunters have switched from mana to focus, you are definitely looking at the wrong blog.

I’ve no doubt that the changes have come as a huge shock to most anybody who’s been playing the game for any length of time.  The World of Warcraft, as we know it, has completely and utterly changed.  Our talents have dropped to 31 points, our stat system has been overhauled, and even the world our characters inhabit will be permanently scarred and shaken in less than two month’s time. 

However, there’s something that people may be missing – the old adage that says, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  In this case it is better translated as, “If a large portion of your company’s profit is dependent on it, don’t mess with it”, but clearly, Blizzard has seen something worth fixing.  I’m not saying there was anything terribly wrong with the game, but if the people who created it feel that some large changes are necessary, well, then they are.  You don’t risk pissing off your entire player base for crits and lawls.  You just don’t.

I could be wrong, though.  The sudden flurry of forum, blog, and social media posts from distgruntled players bluntly stating that they are going to look elsewhere for their MMO fix indicate a certain amount of anger at Blizzard’s overhaul of the system.  Sure, there are those who embrance the changes and look forward to a completely new gaming experience after having things relatively the same all these years – myself included - but the angry certainly overwhelm the content.

I play in a small group, freestyle LARP called Meteora.  Our GM is just about the most awesome person on the planet, and she and I developed the majority of the game together – she the gameplay and technical stuff, me the world and lore.  Since it’s inception almost 7 years ago, Meteora has seen almost 5 complete overhauls of the system, in which our beloved GM has reset our characters to Level 1.  Yes, it caused a lot of tears and ranting, especially when we were in the middle of a great campaign, or a particularly awesome storyline.  Her reasoning, however, was that the game had gotten to the point that she could no longer control it – characters had gotten too powerful, weapons were too extravagant, everyone had too much money, that sort of thing.  She reset us to the beginning and overhauled the system so that we could start over in a more controlled environment.  Was the game completely different each time?  Yes.  But it was still the game we loved.

World of Warcraft has just been overhauled.  In a way, we have all been reset to zero.  The revamp of the game as we know it means that everyone is literally starting from the same point – learning the game again, learning their class again, experiencing the content again from a fresh perspective.  The skilled players – the Rabid Raiders, the Princes of PVP – will rebound quickly, and will go back to being exceptional at what they do.  They will dominate the DPS meters, and they will rack up the honor kills, as if none of this ever happened.  They will be the first to 85, the first to crack new content, they will still be the slick bastards hanging out outside the auction house in their super uber epic whatevers.

WoW will recover, and whether it will do that with a significantly reduced playerbase has yet to be seen.  Maybe the changes are severe enough to drive a large amount of the players away, and maybe they aren’t.  I suppose that remains to be seen.

But either way, it’s going to be one hell of an epic ride.

Cataclysm.  Best Buy Langley.  I’ll be the one singing and dancing and eating Timbits.

See you in December, geeks.

CATACLYSM.

CATACLYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMM.

CAT-A-CLY-SM.

Not only am I marking my calendar, I’m telling Mr. Long Suffering (also known as Jeff, the better half) that I don’t want to go to work on December 7.  This isn’t as easy as it sounds.  My better half also happens to be my boss.

I plan to hit up midnight release at Best Buy Langley, which is just down the hill from my house and, last year, was home to WoW Jeopardy (which I lost by 2 points), Monty Python-esque duelling matching, and copious amount of coffee, Timbits, and Pepsi.  Oh, and oogling of my Hunter’s Mark tattoo, which I proudly showed off after my friend Darryl told everyone in earshot about it.

It was also colder than an Eskimo’s nutsack, but hey, it’s all good.  I can suck it up for one night.

We waited 5 hours in the November cold (which, in BC, is nothing compared to you folks back East… I applaud your dedication) for our Collector’s Editions of Wrath of the Lich King, and I fully intend to do the same for Cataclysm, if only because Best Buy won’t open until 9:00 Tuesday morning and I want to have 9 hours of bleeding-eyeball goodness on those who actually decided to go to bed on Monday night.

I’m serious.  Look at me.  This is my serious face.

December 7, boys and girls.  When the clock strikes midnight, you’ll know where to find me.  And, if all goes well, I’ll still be parked at my computer when I should be getting up to go to work.  I have 2 vacation days left this year, and I know exactly how I want to use them!

"Well, you needed a name, and you only got one eye."

The Details

Released June 4, 2010.

Starring Mads Mikkelsen.

Something about a one-eyed mute and a little kid who cross paths with some crusaders hell-bent on reaching the Holy Land, but instead land in North America (?) and hang out with some arrow-happy natives.  Or something.

The Plot (contains spoilers)

Let’s get something clear right off the bat – I have no clue what this movie was about.

I mean, it’s simple enough.  There’s probably only 20 lines of dialogue in the entire damn thing.  But that doesn’t change the fact I have no clue what the story was.

Mads plays One Eye, an appropriately named mute warrior who is a slave pitfighter for a Celtic (?) clan, and is cared for by Are, the young boy who brings him food and water.  He’s practically superhuman, which is made more eerie by his silence, a sort of mute insanity.  He kills everyone he touches.  Oh, and he has something akin to prophetic dreams.  At some point, One Eye is sold to another Clan, I suppose for them to use for their own purposes.  Are travels with him during the transaction, however, he breaks free and kills his captors, leaving the boy unharmed to follow him as he sets out across the countryside.

They eventually run into a pack of Christians, who are capturing the heathens they come across.  They recognize One Eye as a valuable asset in their grand crusade to reclaim the Holy Land, and “enlist” him.  He and Are join the Christians in their longboat and set sail.  However, they are quickly encompassed by a heavy fog, and the wind in their sails dies.  The men are stranded at sea, and one by one they become either ill or mentally unstable, turning on each other and on One Eye, as they believe he is sent from Hell to claim their souls.

Eventually they hit solid ground, but it ain’t the Holy Land.  Nevertheless, in good Christian tradition, they decide to claim it for their own anyway, and set off across the unfamiliar landscape.  It is clearly inhabited, as they come across traditional Native American funeral structures, and some of the men are killed by arrows that just appear out of nowhere.

Madness, starvation, and desperation eventually set in.  In a montage of insanity, depravity, sodomy, and good ol’ fashioned murder and suicide, they all start killing themselves off.  One Eye and Are leave the Christians to their fate and climb the hills, where they come face to face with the true settlers of the wild land, and One Eye’s dark fate plays out.

Or something.

The Opinion

Valhalla Rising is a film festival darling that took the world by storm.  It is darkly beautiful, a sickly romantic story of man vs. man vs. nature vs. himself.  It is a poetic masterpiece, really, demented and damning.

For about two weeks after I watched this movie I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not, and even still, as soon as I think I did, I doubt myself.  This film is disturbing, no arguing that, but when I try to pinpoint what it was about it that unsettled me so, I can’t think of anything.

It is bloody and violent, but certainly not as much as any horror movie.  Hell, I think I’ve seen more blood in most cop or action movies I’ve seen.  But it’s violent in such a real manner that it’s hard to stomach.  There is a “real-ness” about it that hits like a punch to the face.

The “20 lines of dialogue” comment is a little off in that I’m sure there’s at least that, however there’s not much more.  There’s also little music, though a lot of drum pounding.  Valhalla Rising is visual, painfully so, but has none of that irritating “omg look at me I went to film school” madness that annoys me about other “experimental” type features.

So, would I recommend it?  I’m not sure.  I think I would?  It’s a weird film, but it’s a beautiful one, and if you can appreciate the sheer aesthetics then yes, I would recommend it in a heartbeat. 

Oh, and Mads Mikkelsen?  Fuck, he was beautiful in this.  Absolutely fucking beautiful.

Pretty much all I can say is that the movie sucks as bad as the poster.

The Details

Released December 23, 2009 (which happens to be my birthday, which is even more insulting).

Starring James Purefoy and a whole bunch of other people who should have known better.  Directed by Michael J. Bassett.

A mercenary devotes himself to a life of peace after he discovers his soul is damned, and then a bunch of shit happens.

The Plot (contains spoilers)

Solomon Kane is a big bad mercenary who kills a lot of people.  We don’t really know why, he just does it.  But then he runs into the Devil’s Reaper, who is not only really cliche and boring looking, he’s also got a voicetrack that is HEINOUSLY TOO LOUD.  The Reaper tells Solomon that all of his looting and pillaging and killing has damned his soul, and the Devil wants his dues.  So Solomon jumps out a window to escape, and takes refuge in a monastery for a year, until the good-for-nothing monks kick his ass out.

So he meets up with some nice Christian pilgrim folk who are headed to America, who happen to have a cute daughter, who happens to like Solomon.  Surprise.  And then the nice pilgrim folk get ambushed by some possessed bad guys working for an evil sorcerer named Malekai, and their daughter gets kidnapped because she’s Marked.  With a capital M.  Her dad makes Solomon swear to find their daughter, and tells him thath is soul will be redeemed should he save her life.

What happens after that is kind of a mishmash of bullshit.  Lots of it.  They don’t spoonfeed it to you, they back up the CAT rental and fucking bury you in it.  Solomon has his crisis of faith, nearly gets fed to zombies by a preacher keeping them in a church basement, gets really drunk and bawls about this girl when he thinks she’s dead, gets fucking CRUCIFIED (WTF?), finds out the girl is ALIVE, and then fights his way into his childhood home to make up with his dad, kill his psychotic brother who he pushed off a cliff as a child, fight a raging hell-demon, and oh yeah, kill Malekai, get the girl, and have his soul redeemed.

What a fucking mess.

The Opinion

No amount of prettying up will save this piece of shit.

The only good thing about this movie was the CG on the hell-demon.  And that was pretty terrible.  This entire film is a raving mess of terrible acting (Purefoy talks like Christian Bale with his make-me-lips mouthguard in “The Dark Knight”, but with a horrific WTF-is-this accent), terrible writing, and overall terrible terribleness.  It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t dramatic, it wasn’t suspenseful.  It was utterly predictable trite that had me yawning 10 minutes in and begging for it to be over after half an hour.

Kane is an utterly forgettable character.  He has nothing that attaches you to him, save for the first few minutes of the movie where he’s dual-wielding and killing folks left right and center like some badass World of Roguecraft character – that’s when you think “holy shit this guy is AWESOME”.  Then he goes pansy-ass on us.  His dialogue is so dumbed down, and so blank and pointless, that you spend more time laughing at the stupid shit coming out of his mouth than actually paying attention to what’s on the screen.  The script seems to think that the audience is incapable of remember just how damned Kane’s soul is, because it reminds us every 10 minutes.

Every scene of the movie feels like it was filmed with no real intention for anything to flow, and then thrown together.  And sometimes, it can work, and work well (look at “Doomsday”, which was fucking awesome and arguably 3 movies in 1), but in this case it leaves you going “wait, what?” half the time.  Zombies?  Seriously?  And fucking crucifying people?  WTF?

Oh god.  I could go on for pages.  All I’m going to say is, don’t watch it.  Don’t.  If you really want to watch a movie, watch “Valhalla Rising”.  You won’t understand a single goddamn thing going on, but at least it’s brilliant.